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The Porn Myth is a non-religious response to pro-pornography arguments. It draws from the experience of porn performers, recent research from neurology, sociology, and psychology to build a case for why pornography is destructive to individuals, relationships, and society. Matt Fradd provides insightful arguments, including the latest scientific research, on nearly every relevant subject imaginable, exposing the negative impact pornography has on our minds, our relationships, and our culture.
This book addresses the neurological reasons porn is addictive, helps individuals learn how to be free of porn, and offers real help to parents and the spouses of porn users.
Thanks to such new research on pornography's harmful effects on the brain, on relationships, and on society, there is today a wave of passionate individuals trying to change the cultural norm―inspiring others to pursue real love and avoid its hollow counterfeit. Today's younger generation wants a love that is untainted by warped perceptions of intimacy and by selfish desires. Millions are now recognizing pornography for what it is and rejecting its influence in their lives. This book is part of that movement.
The Porn Myth will help readers to separate the myths from the reality about porn, and to reclaim real love in their lives. Matt Fradd masterfully articulates and dispels the falsehoods that have helped to spread porn addiction and sexual dysfunction, and he inspires us to take action against them.
Product details
Paperback: 280 pages
Publisher: Ignatius Press (March 15, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 162164006X
ISBN-13: 978-1621640066
Product Dimensions:
5.2 x 0.8 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 11 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.7 out of 5 stars
80 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#23,115 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
I'm halfway through this book and I'm already blown away by the amount of insight I've been able to gain into the problem of porn in today’s culture. The book is a very easy read; the book is broad, the discussions are separated very logically, each chapter is readable for the passive or light reader based on specific topics. Matt Fradd does an excellent job of providing a comprehensive historical background of the porn industry, as well as solid research to back its effects (e.g., erectile dysfunction, relationship problems, physiological/neurological brain changes similar to drug addiction that result in the need for a more extreme “fixâ€â€¦the list goes on). Therefore, I think this book is a good choice for both those starting out in their learning journey and those who are well-versed to have an empirically-strong reference in your book collection.This is a struggle too many young adults deal with today. Younger and younger our children are being introduced to, or discovering, the distorted sexuality being pushed by those only interested in making the buck. Have an Ipad? Does your child’s best friend at school have a smart phone? Behold the dangers of technology. This book presents the issues and also provides solutions. As a parent I was particularly interested in protecting my children from the problems porn forces us to face, and after sifting through the book I have been given a solid foundation that I believe will help me foster a healthy and realistic understanding of human sexuality.I have a close friend whose kids are in high school and college. His stories have emboldened me to seek out all of the help I can get; things like bestiality, sexual abuse/violence, and incest were mentioned. What should I do as a parent to save my child from this? In today’s world we are limited on this sort of support. Doctors are still catching up to the issue. How can I protect my children from a culture that loses itself to the way society objectifies both sex and our sexuality? This book is a solid starting point. I feel more confident and prepared to raise my children in a world saturated by sex.
INTRODUCTIONSex has a relational context: marriage. When it is ripped out of this context and turned into a commodity, how can individuals, families, and society be expected to flourish? When we become a civilization that sells people, that takes something so central to who we are as persons -- our sexuality -- and industrializes it, we cannot be happy people.Unlike animals, human beings are wired for pair bonding. The neurochemicals oxytocin, which are released slowly during love-making and in large quantities during orgasm, help create feelings of strong attachment. Because our brains have an expanded cerebral cortex, we can consciously choose to enhance our feelings of connectedness to our mates through smiling, eye contact, verbal compliments, skin-to-skin contact, listening, helping, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and sexual intercourse. Making these activities regular habits triggers a release of bonding hormones and transmitters. This bonding, plus the biological purpose of procreation, is the purpose for our sexual drive.These same chemicals are released when stimulated by pornography, but now we are bonded to an image, not a live person. In bonding with a real person during the act of sex, there is at least the potential to treat sex as a gift to another, not merely a selfish act.Any time we capture the image of a person, the display of that image should lead others to celebrate the mystery and the depth of humanity, not encourage them to treat the person as a cheap assembly of body parts.PORN CULTUREMYTH 1: PORN IS JUST "ADULT" ENTERTAINMENTIs porn really good for adults? Exposure to porn stimulates the release of dopamine, causing the brain to remember this source of pleasure, and go back for more. But continued exposure to porn gives the brain an unnatural high, beyond what it is wired to handle, and the brain eventually fatigues. The brain becomes desensitized and needs more porn to get the same high. Consequently, the pre-frontal cortex shrinks, the place where decisions are made, so that the porn user has little willpower or self-control. A mature, adult brain which should be at the height of self-control has now shrunk back to a childish level, so that "adult" entertainment is actually making people more juvenile. The attempt to make sexual deviancy appear like "adult" behavior is nothing more than the attempt of weak men to justify shameful behavior.This is why Hugh Hefner disguised his pornographic "Playboy" magazine as an upper-middle class, respectable "lifestyle magazine." The nude pictures of women were surrounded by articles on philosophy and food and cocktails and hors d'oeuvres and Picasso. It gave permission to the middle-class American male to indulge in porn.Which activity sounds more "adult"? Making love for a lifetime to one real flesh-and-blood woman whom you are eagerly serving and cherishing, despite all her faults and blemishes (and despite your own), or privately trolling the Internet for hours on end, pleasuring yourself as you bond to pixels?MYTH 2: TO BE ANTI-PORN IS TO BE ANTI-SEXIn this book we are AGAINST porn and FOR sex (in marriage).At the 2008 Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Robert Jensen stopped at an Australian booth that offered "real, passionate, unscripted" sexual activity by "happy, healthy, regular girls in their normal environments." No makeup, no fake boobs, no airbrushing. Just "an endless bounty of gasping sex, stunning beauty, and friendly faces." This is "girl next-door" porn. As Jensen interviewed the women, he asked them how selling images mostly used by men for masturbation advances the interest of women. How does that improve the lot of women in the world?Jensen said, "After we were banned from interviewing the girls, four female couples were kissing and caressing for the overwhelmingly male audience. Men with cameras and cell phones ringed the booth, vying for the best angles to record images of women being sexual. These women looked different from the porn-star caricature, but it was clear what was happening. The men watched just the same as the men watched at other booths. Pornography is a market transaction in which women's bodies are offered to consumers for profit. Some men like porn stars. Some men like the girl next door."It is precisely because I am FOR sex that I'm against porn. Whether porn is about misogynist women-hating or the girl-on-girl variety, it is pornography as a MEDIUM that is the problem. Porn is the business of presenting women's bodies to men for masturbation. To stand against this is to stand against a habit of solo sex that turns men into consumers, not lovers.MYTH 3: PORN EMPOWERS WOMENWhile some argue that the women in the pornography industry are empowered because they acquire money and social influence, ask the millions of wives whose husbands habitually turn to porn if they feel empowered? Pornography doesn't ramp up a husband's sex drive for his wife. It discourages empathy for her, especially if he tries to bring what he sees from porn into his bedroom. Porn shapes a husband's concept of beauty. French neuro-scientist Serge Stoleru reports that overexposure to erotic stimuli actually exhausts a healthy young man's sexual responses, making him impotent without the use of fantasy. The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that men and women exposed to pictures of female centerfolds from "Playboy" and "Penthouse" lowered their judgments about the attractiveness of "average" people.MYTH 4: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PORN AND NAKED ARTPornographers often defend their work as "art", no different than Michelangelo's nude statue of David or his painted figures on the Sistine Chapel. But the difference is vast. Pornography comes from the Greek root meaning "prostitute". Its goal is to provide sexual stimulation toward a completed sexual act. True art attempts to capture beauty without sexual stimulation. Some art can induce sexual interest, but ALL pornography is made to cause sexual stimulation.MYTH 5: SWIMSUIT EDITIONS AND MEN'S MAGAZINES ARE NOT PORNFrom 2003 to 2010, Martin Daubney was editor of Great Britain's "Loaded" men's magazine. He said the essence of "Loaded" was to perpetuate the fantasy that male adolescence can be prolonged indefinitely. But after investigating the effects of porn on youth, he changed. "With Loaded's frequent nudity and lewd photo spreads, I'd long been accused of being a soft pornographer. I agonized that my magazine may have switched a generation onto more explicit online porn. Like many parents, I fear that my boy's childhood could be taken away by pornography. So we have to fight back. We need to get tech-savvy and tell our children that pornographic sex is fake and real sex is about love, not lust."MYTH 6: ONLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE OPPOSE PORNGRAPHYA growing group on Reddit.com called NoFap is an online community of mostly men who are challenging each other to put away porn and masturbation. It was founded by agnostic Alexander Rhodes for the purpose of helping many men overcome problems such as premature ejaculation, a disinterest in sex, difficulty reaching orgasm, and erectile dysfunction. After quitting their porn habits, 60% increased their sexual function.THE PORN INDUSTRYMYTH 7: PORN PRODUCERS HELP TO MAKE THE PORN INDUSTRY SAFE FOR THE PERFORMERSThere is no mandatory use of condoms in the porn industry. Sixty-six percent of porn stars have herpes. Alcohol and drugs are often used to numb the physical and emotional pain. Many porn stars routinely binge on ecstasy, cocaine, marijuana, Xanax, Valium, and Vicodin. Brutality is not uncommon. An ex-performer said, "Guys are punching you in the face. You get ripped, Your insides can come out. It's never ending. You're viewed as an object, not as a human with a spirit." Stunt men in Hollywood have safer jobs.MYTH 8: PORN ISN'T SEX SLAVERY. THE ACTORS CHOSE THE LIFESTYLE THEY LEADNo matter what good image a porn star tries to portray about her profession, women and children work in the pornographic industry because of desperation, not intelligent choice. They often were sexually abused as children, are addicted to drugs and alcohol, are homeless, are trying to avoid being beaten or killed, have no income, and enter into the pornographic industry in order to survive economically. They are not drawn to the "working conditions".Testimonies from former porn stars include:"When I was finished with the scene, my throat was bleeding, I had bruises all over my body, my vagina was torn in two places, and I ended up with pink eye. I felt like I had been raped all over again.""I yelled at my male porn star to stop and screamed "No" over and over but he would not stop. The pain became too much and I was in shock and my body went limp. After the scene, they wouldn't give me a ride home. I called a taxi and went to a medical clinic. The next day my boss called me and told me to shut my mouth about the rape, that his edited footage would prove me a liar.""My agent started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work. He did this right after a scene, fulfilling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife was downstairs.""People in the porn industry are numb to real like and are like zombies walking around. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick."Even if a woman has forgotten her own dignity, it is a manly thing to treat her with dignity nonetheless.MYTH 9: PORN STARS ARE JUST WELL-ROUNDED NYMPHOMANIACSThe image that the porn industry portrays is just a bunch of women, crazy about sex, allowing themselves to be filmed for our pleasure. Dr. Sharon Mitchell, co-founder of the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM), says there are three types of women drawn to pornography: 1) sex addicts, 2) those addicted to money, and 3) those addicted to fame. Many enter the industry because of desperation and hard times. But there is no such thing as a "well-rounded" nymphomaniac. Hyper-sexuality is a disorder. It is not the enjoyment of sex. It is the obsessive pursuit of sex to find emotional stability, usually by someone who was sexually abused as a child.MYTH 10: SURE, CHILD PORN IS A PROBLEM, BUT I WATCH ONLY ADULT PORN. NO HARM IN THAT.Choosing to avoid child porn and to watch only "adult" pornography may sound noble to some, but this still supports an industry that tries with all its might to sexualize youth. Pornographers push the envelope so that men can lust after what their brains interpret to be children. The U.S. Department of Justice examined the images of children in Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines. In 683 issues printed from 1953 to 1984, researches found close to one thousand images of children, implying incest or molestation. The most popular category for online sexual searches is "youth".MYTH 11: I DON'T PAY FOR MY PORN, SO I'M NOT CONTRIBUTING TO THE PORN INDUSTRY.A primary way "free" porn sites make money is through advertising. Porn sites might contain sidebar advertising or pop-up ads. Money is paid to porn sites every time someone clicks on the ad (pay per click), or every time an ad is shown (cost per impression), or every time a visitor buys the advertised product or service (pay per sale), or by giving a sliding percentage based on traffic volume (percentage program). In other words, by merely browsing porn sites, spending hours on end racking up page views, you are contributing to porn's profits.PORN AND OUR SEXUALITYMYTH 12: WOMEN DON'T STRUGGLE WITH PORNWomen get addicted to porn as well. The common perception is that men are more prone to watch pornography because they are visually wired, while women are more emotionally and relationally wired and therefore less aroused by images. In an MRI study, the brain activity of both men and women was measured while they were shown pornographic images. Both genders registered a heightened reaction to the stimuli, but in different parts of their brains. Women are just as visually stimulated as men, but they looked at different parts of the images. Women were more aroused when the woman in the image was looking away. A majority of women who look at porn turn to it for stress relief and escape from the demands of everyday life. A new category of "femme porn" targets women. Women are depicted as objects of desire rather than merely a means for a guy to get off. They are slowly seduced and romanced into having sex with sincerity and smart conversation. Women tend to view this porn with their partners, while men tend to view porn alone.MYTH 13: NOT MASTURBATING IS UNHEALTHY FOR A GUYA review of medical literature found a wide range of healthy benefits for penile-vaginal intercourse, but negative associations for masturbation. Frequent masturbation is associated with more prostate abnormalities, less ability to recover from erectile dysfunction, less satisfaction with one's mental health, less relationship satisfaction, depression, and less happiness. There is no documented health problem associated with refraining from masturbation.In Western society, about 25% of men masturbate daily or several times a week; 55% masturbate daily to monthly; and about half of boys 14 to 17 years old masturbate at least twice a week. What is the impact of this escape into fantasy? C.S. Lewis said that a man's sexual appetite is meant to lead him out of himself, to lead him into a self-gift that both completes and corrects his personality -- first by sharing whole-life oneness with a married lover and second by procreating children. With masturbation, however, the appetite is turned in on itself and "sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides."What is the harm in this? Lewis says that masturbation makes a man prefer the fantasy world to reality. "For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides, he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself...After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of ourselves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided that retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison."MYTH 14: PORN PREVENTS RAPE AND SEXUAL VIOLENCESome think that the use of porn diverts would-be-rapists from committing rape. But rape statistics fail to prove this, since rape is a severely under-reported crime. Conversely, it has not been established that using porn increases the incidence of rape. But porn does teach men to objectify women's bodies and use them for men's pleasure. Porn promotes male domination of women. Porn wrongly teaches men that women want to be hurt and that they get sexual pleasure from violence. Much of porn involves women being slapped, gagged, coerced, or dominated. In porn, women are objects to be used rather than persons to be respected.MYTH 15: PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVEThe American Society of Addiction Medicine says that addiction is "a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry." Dopamine is the primary neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathways in the brain. It is the overuse of the dopamine reward system that causes addiction. When the pathways are used compulsively, a downgrading occurs in the pleasure areas available for use, and the dopamine cells themselves start to atrophy (shrink). The reward cells in the nucleus accumbens are now starved for dopamine and begin to crave it. The dopamine receptors on the pleasure cells are downgraded. This "resetting of the "pleasure thermostat" produces a "new normal." In this addictive state, the person must act out in addiction to boost the dopamine to levels sufficient to feel normal.Over time, porn addiction causes a man to use it more and more in order to get the same high he used to get with smaller doses. Sex and porn addicts show all the signs of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal symptoms (such as irritability, violent dreams, mania, insomnia, violent mood swings, paranoia, headaches, anxiety, and depression), desensitization, and repeated failed attempts to quit, despite negative consequences.Addicts find freedom not by denying the power that porn has over them, but by admitting it to others and asking for help.MYTH 16: EROTICA IS A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE TO HARD-CORE PORNGRAPHYErotica is sexually explicit material -- in paintings, photography, sculpture, or literature -- that is perceived to be tasteful. This form of art, while it can result in the sexual arousal of the viewer, is ultimately defined by a desire to portray sexuality as captivating and beautiful. But there is not a clear line between erotica and porn. They overlap, as do soft-core and hard-core porn. Whereas soft-core porn does not usually show genitalia and may use camera angles to hide body parts, much of it still portrays women in abusive situations. The Journal of Women's Health found that emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction in the erotic novel "Fifty Shades of Grey", including stalking, intimidation, isolation, and the use of alcohol to compromise consent. Women who read this book were more likely to accept behaviors found in abusive relationships.MYTH 17: ANIME PORN IS GREAT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T INVOLVE REAL PEOPLE"Anime" is a term used for animated productions created in Japan or with a distinctive Japanese comic style. "Hentai" is the Western label given to anime pornography and is derived from the Japanese word for "perverted". It certainly is good that no real women are harmed in the making of cartoon porn. But just as smoking one pack of cigarettes a day is better than smoking ten packs a day, it should still not be labeled "healthy". The purpose of hentai porn is to bring its viewers to orgasm. The women in hentai porn are degraded and objectified for the masturbatory pleasure of men. Women are portrayed as powerless, unless they are dominating other women. Hentai draws attention to specific body parts to provoke arousal and portray women in vulnerable positions. Hentai websites market their beautifully animated women as "sluts", "whores", "hussies", and worse terms. Since cartoon characters are completely malleable, hentai characters can be portrayed with exaggerated physical attributes and in physically impossible poses. Some hentai women are raped by monstrous creatures. "Lolicon" is a sub-genre of hentai featuring prepubescent girls, and "shotacon" features prepubescent boys. How can viewers feel any compassion for hentai characters who are mistreated or abused when they are not real?!PORN AND OUR RELATIONSHIPSMYTH 18: PORN IS ONLY FANTASY -- IT DOESN'T AFFECT OUR REAL LIVESPornography affects how men view women. Researchers analyzing the covers of "Rolling Stone" magazine found that women are hypersexualized, often featured naked and in sexually suggestive poses. The percentage of hypersexualized covers increased from 11% in 1960 to 61% in 2000. Females were shown as instruments of sexual pleasure for a heterosexual male audience. It sends the unrealistic message that real women are always ready and available for sex.Viewing pornography increases problems with erectile dysfunction (ED), no longer a problem confined to older men. A Cambridge University study reported that 60% of the men had ED problems with sexual partners but not with porn. A physician who specializes in men's reproductive health tells men with ED to stop watching porn. After a few months, their functioning returns to normal. Men who view porn online are always looking for something new, the next girl, the next sexual buzz. A real woman, no matter how attractive, is only one woman. A man this obsessed with have difficulty finding her arousing (until he stops viewing porn altogether).MYTH 19: MARRIED LIFE WILL CURE US OF OUR PORN OBSESSIONSMany single men and women hooked on porn will say, "Once I get married, this won't be a problem anymore." They think that having a spouse will make porn lose its pull. This expectation fails to understand what porn really is. A person with a pornographic habit is not merely after an orgasm. He is hooked on what comes next, the rush of moving from one body to the next, always looking to trade the one in front of his eyes for the "ultimate" sexual experience. Porn is destructive to marriage because it portrays sex outside of marriage (premarital sex and adultery) as exciting and normal. Husbands often want their wives to mimic the sex they view in porn.Who would willingly give up real sex for masturbating in front of a computer screen? To a porn addict, the high they get from chasing sexual fantasies can seem more appealing. A porn habit feeds upon unrealistic expectations that no spouse can live up to -- the on-demand, anything-goes sex depicted in porn. Real relationships require work and effort. Viewing porn is easy.MYTH 20: MEN WOULDN'T TURN TO PORN IF THEIR WIVES WERE MORE SEXUALLY ATTENTIVE OR PRETTIERFor 68% of couples for whom porn had become a serious problem, one or both parties reported a disinterest in sex with each other. Wives who discovered their husbands porn habit often compared themselves with the images their husbands consumed. They reported feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, lonely, isolated, humiliated, jealous, and angry.Husbands who engage in porn will often state they want more sex than their wives. But desiring sex in marriage is not the same as desiring porn. A desire for porn is a desire to binge on a variety of women in fantasy experiences, instead of husbands making the effort to coordinate their desires and wants with their wives' desires and wants. The porn user has trained himself to believe that sex should be on tap and made-to-order. The problem is with him, not his wife.In his book, "The Brain That Changes Itself", Dr. Norman Doidge says that we have two pleasure systems, one for exciting pleasure and another for satisfying pleasure. The exciting-pleasure system is fueled by bursts of dopamine and stirs our anticipation. The satisfying-pleasure system releases opiate-like endorphins and generates a calming, fulfilling pleasure of peace and euphoria.Porn is all excitement and no satisfaction. Dopamine responds to things that are new, novel, and varied. Internet porn promises new sexual encounters around every turn, so excitement is generated. However, the satisfying pleasure system is left starving for the real thing -- there's no touching, kissing, caressing, or connection.Pornography is cleverly packaged sexual novelty. Each link presents an endless road of thousands of women in thousands of pornographic scenarios. Men just don't open their laptops and find one woman they find appealing. They keep searching. It's not just about sex. It's about the search, the anticipation of finding a "better" more alluring image.MYTH 21: PORN SHOULD BE USED AS A SEXUAL AID TO ENHANCE INTIMACYStudies show that porn does not complement sexual intimacy with one's partner. It competes with it. Impotence means without your own power. When a husband depends upon porn to get aroused, he decreases his ability to get aroused with his wife. People who watch porn have lower levels of satisfaction with their spouses. They also have lower levels of relational commitment and don't communicate as well with their partners. People who watch porn are more likely to cheat on their partners. If we believe that one of the chief goals of sex is intimacy, why would anyone think watching strangers have sex is a way to achieve this goal?THE STRUGGLE WITH PORNMYTH 22: WE CAN'T PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM PORN IN TODAY'S WORLDParents must be the active (not passive) gatekeepers to the media choices their children make. Be vocal about your values and ask critical questions: "Is a woman's true value bound up in how she looks?" Internet filtering and monitoring is crucial. For young children, the book "Good Pictures Bad Pictures" by Kristen Jensen presents kids with a simple plan for how to react when they see pornography. Cell phones should be monitored and filtered and should stay out of their bedrooms at night.Teach young children about the dignity and value of their bodies. Teach them the names of their body parts and how to honor their bodies and others' bodies through modesty and privacy. Around the age of six or seven, children begin to reason with logic and imagination. This is the time to give warnings about sexual predators. During the middle childhood years, parents should teach children about the nature and purpose of sex, its power and its beauty. They don't need to know everything, just enough to know the goodness of sex when it is expressed with mutual love and affection in marriage. Contrast the goodness of marital love and the wrongness of exploiting another's body. When standing in line at the grocery store, tell your children, "Do you see the woman in this photo? Someone has paid her to show off her body to the world to attract people to buy this magazine, but we know the human body is not meant to turned into an object like this." Children and teens need their parents to be reliable sources of knowledge about sex, so parents need to overcome whatever inhibitions they have about talking to their children about sex.Parents need to examine themselves if they want to be good role models to their children. Do I show respect for myself and others by the way I dress, speak, and act? Do I honor and cherish my spouse? Am I careful to govern the things I look at and think about? Do I set boundaries to protect my children? If you are a father, be the dad who turns away from or changes the TV channel when an inappropriate image is shown. Show affection to your daughters, protect them with curfews, meeting their friends, and restricting their social media when necessary. Talk frankly to your sons about sexual self-control. If you are a mother, be the mom who affirms her own inner beauty and doesn't obsess over her looks. Set an example of modesty. Married couples should show affection to one another in front of the children so the allure of pornography can't compare with how their parents treat each other.MYTH 23: I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REGAIN MY SPOUSE'S TRUST AFTER SNEAKING AROUND WITH PORNGRAPHYDo you want to be the kind of person who loves someone for the rest of you life, gladly sacrificing yourself for the good of that person -- experiencing an intimate personal and sexual bond? Or do you want to be the person that sneaks off late at night to have an "encounter" with your computer? Which of these sounds closer to your wedding vows?When dealing with a husband's porn betrayal, about 70% of wives fit the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. They experience fear, depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, and nightmares. Wives begin to doubt themselves. They feel angry, lonely, exhausted, and deep despair. In his book, "Partners: Healing from His Addiction", Dr. Doug Weiss says if you want your spouse to begin trusting you again, you must demonstrate trustworthy BEHAVIORS (not just words or promises to do better).A husband who wants to rebuild his wife's trust:1) Fully acknowledge the wrong-doing of looking at porn. Acknowledge that her mistrust of you now is warranted. Listen to her without being defensive.2) Never shift the blame. Tell your wife she is not to blame at all, especially when she asks, "What did I do to cause this?"3) Purge all access points to porn: your iPhone, your computer, your route home from work that passes the "adult" book store, your private e-mail account, wherever you isolate yourself.4) Encourage your wife to seek advice and help. Counselors trained to help spouses of sex and porn addicts can be found in the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS).5) Be incredibly patient with your wife. She has been crushed, so her recovery will take time. Pursue emotional engagement and nonsexual physical affection. Spend quality time together.6) Become accountable for your technology use. Use accountability software (like Covenant Eyes). It sends an e-mail report of your websites visits to someone of your choosing (friend, mentor, spouse, or counselor).7) Seek man-to-man accountability. This is someone of your gender who can help you avoid porn.MYTH 24: I WILL ALWAYS BE ADDICTED TO PORNNo wife should ever accept her husband's use of porn.Self-control is possible:1) Identify what triggers your desire to look at porn right now. Say, "This is a trigger." Then do a U-turn and snap out of it.2) Identify your emotional response to the trigger (excitement, curiosity, anticipation).3) Identify your first thought: "I want to watch porn now", What will I see if I click on _____?"4) Your body anticipates the previous pleasure from porn and begins to release chemicals.5) As the chemicals are released, heart rate increases, palms become sweaty or cold, eyes dilate, the muscles tense up, etc. Say, "My body is preparing to look at porn because of a chemical release. I need to do something else right now."6) Your mind will battle back and forth with "Will I?" or "Won't I look at porn?"Engage your mind. Remind yourself that porn promises freedom but causes enslavement. Think about the purpose of sex: for the creation of life and the creation of love. At the moment of temptation, remove yourself from the source of pornography. Use blocks and filters on your electronic devices. Resolve to be strong for today.
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